YOUR COMMENTS... +++ Ian F: "Cool site!" +++ Britto B: "Cool page. Love it." +++ Bill L: "You crack me up!" +++ Fahad: "Fantastic group. The best group in Facebook!" +++ Shafaq S: "Ha ha ha, very funny" +++ Radika D: "This is cool... since my English full of errors :))" +++ Tracy N: "So useful and so funny!" +++ Samantha S: "I just love the many funny posts on this site :)" +++ Nie A: "Me too!" +++ Joanne B: "This page is so funny, keep it up" +++ Andrea T: "What a sense of humour we have. Love it." +++ Kara M: "He he, great site!" +++ Mike H: "Awesome site!" +++ Jubajo likes B25 (Sir Winston Churchill invented the V-sign to encourage people. It is different today): "Flip the fingers around and flip the message! Too funny!" +++ Loraine W likes B23 (Industrial revolution being special kind of pills to lazy people to make them work): "Absolutely adore this response. Only wish it were true! My 12 and 16 year old boys could do with a megadose." +++ Nicola D from Perth likes B44: "Funny as it is true ... Everyone I have showed it to has laughed. That's what makes a classic quote." +++ Virginia A from Brighton Qld likes B173 (Any one trespassing on these grounds, without permission, will be prosecuted): "LOL. Well, I mean, honestly: What is trespassing? Going on the grounds WITH permission?" +++ Phillip C from Mount Druitt NSW likes B21 (The King wore a scarlet robe trimmed with vermin): "It would have been a one of a kind robe. I wonder if it smelt?" +++ Barbara R likes B139 (For sale: Baker's business, good trade, large oven, present owner been in it 17 years. Satisfactory reasons for leaving): "Very good reason for leaving - 17 years in an oven. Well and truly baked!" +++ Gail D from WA likes B139 too: "Look out, the next generation of bakers will have to meet the challenges of business by putting their whole being into it!" +++ Sharon J likes B99 (Some women are pretty and some are teachers): "I just hope his teacher laughed!" +++ Karen W from Maitland NSW likes B94 (He tried in vain and was successful): "This cracked me up, it seems to be my motto for life or at least one I would strive to achieve." +++ Deb A likes B19 (B19 Columbus was a great navigator who cursed about the Atlantic): "The image of Columbus sailing around the Atlantic swearing away tickles me pink." +++ Cheryl D likes B68 (The earth holds on to everything with its grabity): "I've known men like that." +++ Gaye M likes B103 (No part of a cow is wasted; even the skin is used to put on the top of hot milk): "I will never look at a glass of milk in quite the same way. Milk and skin anyone?" +++ Diane G from Qld likes B142 (WANTED: A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane and tail): "They do say that owners and their animals look alike and here is proof!" +++ Brooke S says "Absolutely hilarious... Loved reading it. Favourite would have to be the Wanted section. LOL funny." +++ Amanda S likes B66 (Gravity tells us why an apple does not go to heaven): "It is Isaac Newton's birthday today. I think he would have found it funny too!" +++ Chanteya says "B172 has to be my favourite hands down! 'Infringe our title to deceive the public'. Shameless but brilliant!" +++ Dianne M says "'Henry the Navigator sent out many navel expeditions to explore the lower regions'. What a difference an E makes!" +++ Melissa C says "B41 is a cute one: 'A curve is the longest way between 2 points'." +++ Deb D says she would use the news headline "Judge Dismisses Most Charges In Apple Suit" as "an example in junior English classes to highlight the importance of using correct language to convey a message" +++ Maneeha says "'Industrial Revolution is a special kind of pills which doctors give to lazy people to make them work'... I love this! :D" +++ Selena Z likes "A triangle is a square with only 3 corners." +++ Allen S likes "'An example of a collective noun is a garbage can' ... It plays on several levels." +++ T Phan from Qld: "'A verb is something to eat'. So funny when reading it. I guess a verb is similar to a herb?! :)" +++ Cheryl M: "When I read the following one, I truly broke out laughing ... 'James the First claimed the throne of England through his grandmother because he had no father'". +++ Katherine R from Qld says blooper number B14 "made me laugh out loud: 'In Russia there are vast carnivorous forests' ... Imagining this made me smirk for the rest of the afternoon". +++ Shane S from Australia also likes B14, adding: "The setting for the fourth installment of the Twilight movie series?" +++ Lorna S from VIC says she remembers interviewing a guy who proudly stated on his CV that he had been "ducks of his school" +++ Julia R likes "Proportional Representation is a system of voting always favoured by those who can’t get in otherwise" +++ Adrian G from Qld says "My favourite funny English error is b37. I am sure it is not the answer being looked for, but how can you argue with the logic!" +++ Joni H from NZ likes "A triangle is a square with only three corners" +++ Trina H from Australia: "I like 'In the Classroom: Vocabulary' where it says stars are the moon's eggs. I teach children and they would really think this!" +++ Selena Z says her Mum would love this howler: "Dear Mum, I could have eaten a dead monkey, so your cake came in very useful." +++ Jessica W says "My fav is 'Weight is the weight that a thing weighs'" +++ Raylee L says about this site: "Hilarious. I love it." +++ Liz J from NZ: "I like the press errors" +++ Sonia K from NSW: "B7 is my favourite. As a geography teacher I love it and can't wait to share it with my students." +++ Frances A from NZ: "My favourite is 'A criminal is someone who gets caught'; there are those who truly believe this!" +++ K Hill's favourite howler is "An island is a portion of land entirely surrounded by water except in the middle"; K Hill adds: "As a student teacher who's been informed 'Tasmania cannot possibly be an island because it's part of Australia', I would rejoice to hear this response!" +++ Veronica D likes "LOST: A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane and tail"; Veronica says "As soon as I read this one I got an immediate visual image." +++ Shasi's favourite is "The imperfect tense is used in France to express a future action in past time which does not take place at all"; Shasi says "Like how I'm my own grandfather; trippy, confusing, hilarious." +++

Here are some bloopers and other bits and pieces from lawyers, judges, and witnesses.

+++

Judge to witness: "My good woman, you must give an answer in the fewest possible words of which you are capable, to the plain and simple question whether, when you were crossing the street with the baby on your arm, and the bus was coming down on the right side and the cab on the left and the carriage was trying to pass the bus, you saw the plaintiff between the carriage and the cab, or whether, and when you saw him at all, and whether or not near the carriage, cab, and bus, or either, or any two, and which of them respectively, or how it was?"

+++

Judge: "You mean that he had no right; in short, he usurped the office?"

Witenss: "Yes, judge, he used up the office, but the trouble is more that he used up the funds."

+++

Lawyer, summing up to a jury: "I hope, gentlemen of the jury, that you may have mercy upon this unhappy man, who has never yet strayed from the path of rectitude, and only asks your assistance to enable him to return to it."

+++

A lady to her friend: "Look, there's Mr C, the shameful lawyer".

Lawyer (overhearing this): "No, madam, I am a shameful man, but not a shameful lawyer".

Here are some more funny epitaphs, taken from the classic work "English As She Is Wrote":

An example of an "Irish Bull":

"Here lies the remains of
Thomas Melstrom who died
in Philadelphia March 17th
Had he lived he would have
been buried here."

+++

In a church-yard in London, evidently written by a Cockney:

"Here lies John Ross.
Kicked by a Hoss."

+++

Here are some instances of how rhyming difficulties may be overcome:

"Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded
One died of his wounds, the other was drounded."

+++

"Here lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen,
The most amiable of husbands and excellent of men."
"N. B.—His real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't come in rhyme. His Widow."

+++

"Here lies alas! more's the pity,
All that remains of Nicholas Newcity.
"N. B.—His name was Newtown."

With Mothers' Day approaching, I thought I would share some letters written by children to their mums from summer camp and spring break:

"Dear Mommy:

Please bring some food when you come to visit me. All we get here is breakfast, dinner and supper."

+++

"Dear mom:

3 of the girls in my tent have the dire rear."

+++

"Dear Mother:

Tonight the moon is shining. The wind is not blowing but when it does you can hear it in the trees. The camp master said to write a letter and make it interesting and you are to write back that it is.

Your son, Earl."

+++

"Dear Mom,

Vacation is almost over. See you soon. Your love child,

Charles."

+++

"Dear Mother:

I would like you to explain about the universe when you have more time to.

Love,

Sandra"

+++

Source: H Allen Smith, Don't Get Perconel With a Chicken (1957)

Here are the names of some illnesses and diseases according to some mixed-up school children, taken from the book School-Room Humour:

When you have the egg-cups, it is good manners to put your hand over your mouth [hiccups]

New Roger = Neuralgia

Real Raw Jaw = Neuralgia

Haricot Veins = Varicose veins

Illustrated throat = Ulcerated throat

Information of the eye = Inflammation of the eye

Here is a further selection of genuine student howlers published in the book, School-Room Humour:

Q. How many senses do we have? A. Two: wrong and right.

Q. How is silence expressed in music? A. By putting your feet on the peddles.

Q. Who was the mother of Jesus? A. The blessed bird canary.

Variations of "suffered under Pontius Pilate": "suffered under bunch of violets"; "suffered under Bonchurch Pilot"

Q. What divides England from Ireland? A. The Land of Goshen [Atlantic Ocean].

Schoolboy definitions:

Antidote: A silly ant

Oblivious: Without a liver

Sciatica: A sigh from the head

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