School Yarns and Howlers

Here is a selection of howlers — innocent and genuine answers by school children to exam questions and essay questions — published in School Yarns and Howlers (1934) by Frank M Richmond. Some of these howlers might take you a while to work out!

English

Q. What tense is "I am beautiful"? A. Past tense.

A composition: Toby grinned at Miss Ophelia, displacing a set of beautiful white teeth

He walked the remaining six miles on horseback

Definitions

Cataract: a cat that catches rats

Courting disaster: means to get engaged

Dead-heat: the fire when it is out

Matrimony: one of the United States

Quotation: the answer to a division sum

Singlet: a young swan

Science

Q. What is the formula for water? A. H I J K L M N O

Q. What effect has alcohol on the brain? A. It shrivels up the liver.

Q. Name five things containing starch. A. Two shirts and three collars.

Q. If I stand on my head the blood rushes into it. When I stand on my feet, why doesn't the blood rush into them? A. Because your feet aren't empty.

Q. How many seasons are there in the year? A. Two: Football and Cricket.

A bolt is a thing like a stick, of hard metal, such as iron, with a square bunch on one end and a lot of scratching wound round the other end. A nut is similar to a bolt, only just the opposite, being a hole in a small chunk of iron sawed off short, and wrinkles round the inside of the hole.

History

Mary Queen of Scots died calmly and nobly between a saint and a sinner

Q. Who came after Queen Elizabeth? A. Philip II, but Elizabeth turned him down.

Q. We have had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age. Give an example of another age. A. Sausage.

Lyle entered Parliament in 1592 and sat there till 1606

The Romans breathlessly watched the fight of the gladiolas in the arena

Religion

Q. What happened to Lot's wife when she left Gomorrah? A. She turned a somersault.

Solomon was the wisest man of his time, owing to the fact that he had so many wives to advise him

Miscellaneous

In winter it is very cold. Many old people die in winter, and many birds also go to a warmer climate.

In spring the lambs gamble with their mothers in the fields

Dear Miss, Yestiday you told Tommy in front of all the boys and girls that he was ilitrate. I want you to no that he isn't any more that than you are. You see, 'is mother and me was married in January, and he was born in March.