An Essay On Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth*

By Erwin Finker

True English history begins with the reign of Henry the Seventh, because up to this time it was all lies. Henry the Seventh was cold and preserved. It is a good job he did not know what a contrast the next one would be.

Henry the Eighth is my favourite character in English history because he had six wives and killed them all. Henry had a man named Cardinal Wolsey to help him. Henry called his wives "darling" and other superfluous names. He was the world's greatest widower and in later life he developed a limp through having an abbess on his knee. He is famous for the saying "Beware of the Brides of March". Although he had six wives, he never deserted his piano.

Henry married Amberlim, who had pushed Catherine of Arragon off the throne. When he met Amberlim, Henry flung his handkerchief at her. When he married her, the Pope sent him a bull and the bull drove him into the Protestant church.

A Protestant is any one who is not a Catholic. Roman Catholics believe what the Pope speaks, but Protestants can believe what they like. The Pope never did like Henry's wives, but then it wasn’t his business to, being a Pope.

Henry’s next wife was Magna Carta. About this time, Henry went mad and bore a son. King Henry’s next marriage was childless because the Lord put a blight on the onion. I cannot say anything more about Henry the Eighth as we are no longer taught the Old Testament.

Amberlim gave birth to Queen Elizabeth. The Elizabethan times were a time for wigs, petticoats, and handkerchiefs to be dropped at convenient moments. Everyone wore fancy dress back then. Married women put woad on their bodies to keep out the damp and frighten off animals. Nowadays, they use cosmetics. Busts are no longer worn by women, and so everyone breathes more freely.

Elizabeth was beautiful and clever with a red head and freckles. She was thin and pale, but she was a stout Protestant. Philip of Spain came after her, but she wasn’t having any of it. Philip had made England Roman Catholic, but when Elizabeth came to the throne England was made Christian.

Elizabeth wore long full skirts so that when she ran to catch a bus no one could see her legs. She was so fond of dresses that she was never seen without one, except when she once rode through Coventry with nothing on, and Walter Raleigh offered her his cloak. Raleigh was the first man to see the Invisible Armada.

The question of Elizabeth’s marriage is still a mystery, the key of which has never leaked out. Some say she never married: she had a peaceful reign. She was nearly as strong-minded as a man and some people thought she was a man, but those who really knew her said it wasn’t true. Some people called her a virgin, but only behind her back.

The Elizabethan Age is so-called because of the great age to which Elizabeth lived. Elizabeth is said to have stayed at a certain place at the back of St Andrew’s church and is still there. St Andrew is the patent saint of Scotland. The patent saint of England is Union Jack and the patent saint of Ireland is Blarney.

The Victoria Falls are named after Queen Elizabeth. Virginia is named after Queen Victoria. Overall, Queen Elizabeth was successful as a queen. Her character, however, was not good, but what can you expect of a woman who had six mothers?