University Correspondent 1890s

Here is a selection of howlers, edited and rearranged, published in The University Correspondent from 1892 to 1899.

History

Q. Who was Joan of Arc? A. Noah's wife.

Magna Charta means the Queen had lost her Garter

The religion of the ancient Britains were pageants

The poll tax was to be paid by everyone who had a head

Geography

Q. What are the straights between England and France? A. The United Straits.

To find the points of a compass, place a boy with his back to the sun. His head shall be pointing to the north and his feet to the south.

Definitions

Athletic: means "strong", eg, the vinegar we had at dinner today was athletic

Marine: a cheap kind of butter

Mortgagee: the wife of a mortgagor

Precession: When things happen before they take place

Unamiable: One that cannot aim straight

Warrior: One who worries people

Science

Explanation of the action of a common pump: Let P be the pump, and S the spout, T the tree, H the handle, W the well, V the water contained in the well, and M a man who works the pump. When M, the man, puts in motion H, the handle, then H, the handle, moves up and down a thing in T, the tree. The result is that V, the water, gradually rises from W, the well, through T, the tree, and finally comes out through S, the spout. This is the action of the common pump.

The two planets visible lately are Jubbider and Venice

Q. Which are the principal thermometers and who made them? A. Mr Far and high made the Fahrenheit, Mr Centigrade made the Centigrade

Nerves go to the lungs, almost everything goes to the lungs except when you tickle a person's feet, I don't know where that goes

Mathematics

Parallel straight lines are those which meet at the far end of infinity

There are two kinds of angles — right angles and left angles

A triangle is a square without a fourth corner. Therefore it is not a square. Therefore it is a triangle. Q.E.D.

An equilateral triangle is a four-sided figure with all its five sides equal

English

A sentence is a word put into thoughts

Q. Express in other words: That muddy vesture of decay. A. That turbid garment of rot.

Miscellaneous

Q. Explain the words fort and fortress. A. A fort is a place to put men in, and a fortress a place to put women in.

"D.C." at the end of a piece of music [da capo, meaning from the start] means "Don't clap".

"The shades of night were falling fast" means that people were pulling down their blinds

Cannons are very easy to make, you get a hole and pour lead round it

A mariner's compass is a little post stuck up in the sea, and when people want to know the way, the ships go and look at it