University Correspondent 1920s

Here is a selection of howlers, edited and rearranged, published in The University Correspondent from 1920 to 1929. You may have to think carefully about some of these in order to understand the humour!

History

William ordered his archers to shoot at the thickest part of the English, so they shot upwards so that arrows might fall on the Englishmen's heads

The Fire of London did a great deal of good. It purified the city from the dregs of the Plague, and burnt down eighty-nine churches.

After nineteen years in prison, Mary of Scots was executed, and remained as beautiful as when she was young

Diameters of tubes are measured by a pair of caterpillars

Michael Angelo painted the selling of the cistern chapel

Clive committed suicide three times

Definitions

Accumulator: a place where they rear chickens

Blizzard: the inside of a duck

Fallacy: another name for suicide

Interpreter: a thing you take temperatures with

Prospectus: a man who finds gold

Sonatina: an instrument which you play by pulling it in and out

Trapezium: the thing in a gymnasium

Welcher: a native of Wales

Science

Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms

Heat is transmitted by conviction

CO₂ is used for keeping people from dyeing and for distinguishing fires

The are two oracles in the heart — a right oracle and a left oracle

Oxygen can be prepared by heating potassium chocolate

The Law of Gravetation demands that the grass in every town churchyard shall be cut once every year

The climate is a humorous climate so it is very damp

Mathematics

To find the area of the walls of a room you take the barometer and multiply by the height

A circle is a round line with no kinks in it joined up so as not to show where it began

A triangle with equal sides is called equatorial

An hypotenuse is the thing someone saw when he had a bath and he yelled "I've found it".

English

Spoonerism: a love affair

Q. Frame a sentence containing the word gesture. A. "Harry, gesture look out for the policeman".

Miscellaneous

He was suffering from audacity of the stomach

Examinations may be written or vice versa

I could not go to school because I had an affectionate disease

School games cultivate corporation

His death was due to a decease

The points of a lesson should be as far as possible eliminated from the children

Q. Where do we find mangoes? A. Where woman goes.

The inflammability of the Pope was proclaimed in the Vatican Decrees

The stock exchange is where cattle and pigs are bought and sold

Any respectable man is illegible to become a special constable

In some busses they have smoking aloud

A monkey has a reprehensible tail