University Correspondent 1930-1932
Here is a selection of howlers, edited and rearranged, published in The University Correspondent from 1930 to 1932. You may have to think carefully about some of these in order to understand the humour!
Magna Charta was good and kind and everybody liked her. She was strong.
Cornet Joyce demanded the explosion of the Presbyterian members of Parliament
The English King watched the Hundred Years' War from a windmill
From history notes on Picts and Scots: "The pigs and storks invaded England"
I liked the part where William the Conjuror was crowned King of England
Q. For what are the following dates important: 55 BC, 1066 AD, 1485 AD?
A. 55 BC — Julius Caesar was born
1066 AD — Julius Caesar landed in England
1485 AD — Julius Caesar died
Arsenal: a kind of poison
Budget: an Irish female servant
Cataract: a thing for throwing stones
Curtail: the end of a mongrel
Meander: used by Londoners as a way of describing a walk with a lady
R.I.P.: Return Immediately Please
The opposite of evergreen is nevergreen
Artillery bleeding is very serious
When zinc reacts with hydrochloric acid it gives an "F of essence"
Q. What is the Milky Way? A. The way you feed infants.
A lack of vitamins will give rise to crickets
Tin is obtained by smelting down old tins
Skim milk comes from a young cow in the summer and condensed milk from an old cow in winter
The Great Australian Bight is a big bight taken out of Australia about the size of a piece of chalk
The rotation of the earth means that the world turns on its own abscess
"Who steals my purse steals trash" means that the person who robs me is asking for trouble
Q. Form a verb from "suspicion". A. I suspish.
Edgar Wallace has an enormous littery output
From an essay: "The empty saddle tolled the tail"
School boards were not introduced until 1870. Previous to this, small slates had to be used.
Foreigners are neutralised when they settle in England
The length of a sonnet is 5 metres
The knight rushed down the path where he thought he heard the cry, but alas! his end came quickly, for turning a sharp corner he crashed into a yawning abbess
Q. What do you understand by "The Budget"? A. The Budget is what the Chancellor does to get some more money when he has spent it. As I understand it, it cannot be understood.
When a man has a wife and has got another living he is said to have committed boycott
Ghosts are not an objectionable reality but are imagined by historical people
Q. Fill in the gaps in the following quotations: "You cannot make a _____ out of a sow's ear". A. Rasher of bacon. "Caesar's wife is above _____". A. Forty. "I awoke one morning to find myself _____". A. Dead.
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