University Correspondent 1930-1932
Here is a selection of howlers, edited and rearranged, published in The University Correspondent from 1930 to 1932. You may have to think carefully about some of these in order to understand the humour!
Magna Charta was good and kind and everybody liked her. She was strong.
Cornet Joyce demanded the explosion of the Presbyterian members of Parliament
The English King watched the Hundred Years' War from a windmill
From history notes on Picts and Scots: "The pigs and storks invaded England"
I liked the part where William the Conjuror was crowned King of England
Q. For what are the following dates important: 55 BC, 1066 AD, 1485 AD?
A. 55 BC — Julius Caesar was born
1066 AD — Julius Caesar landed in England
1485 AD — Julius Caesar died
Arsenal: a kind of poison
Budget: an Irish female servant
Cataract: a thing for throwing stones
Curtail: the end of a mongrel
Meander: used by Londoners as a way of describing a walk with a lady
R.I.P.: Return Immediately Please
The opposite of evergreen is nevergreen
Artillery bleeding is very serious
When zinc reacts with hydrochloric acid it gives an "F of essence"
Q. What is the Milky Way? A. The way you feed infants.
A lack of vitamins will give rise to crickets
Tin is obtained by smelting down old tins
Skim milk comes from a young cow in the summer and condensed milk from an old cow in winter
The Great Australian Bight is a big bight taken out of Australia about the size of a piece of chalk
The rotation of the earth means that the world turns on its own abscess
"Who steals my purse steals trash" means that the person who robs me is asking for trouble
Q. Form a verb from "suspicion". A. I suspish.
Edgar Wallace has an enormous littery output
From an essay: "The empty saddle tolled the tail"
School boards were not introduced until 1870. Previous to this, small slates had to be used.
Foreigners are neutralised when they settle in England
The length of a sonnet is 5 metres
The knight rushed down the path where he thought he heard the cry, but alas! his end came quickly, for turning a sharp corner he crashed into a yawning abbess
Q. What do you understand by "The Budget"? A. The Budget is what the Chancellor does to get some more money when he has spent it. As I understand it, it cannot be understood.
When a man has a wife and has got another living he is said to have committed boycott
Ghosts are not an objectionable reality but are imagined by historical people
Q. Fill in the gaps in the following quotations: "You cannot make a _____ out of a sow's ear". A. Rasher of bacon. "Caesar's wife is above _____". A. Forty. "I awoke one morning to find myself _____". A. Dead.
News and Updates
3 May 13: "Sister" book, The Funny Dictionary, now available as an e-book. Buy here for just $6.95.
15 June 12: Improve your vocabulary with the recently updated English Language Skills site!
30 Nov 11: Author of Funny English launches Facebook Fan Page for new book, The Funny Dictionary
19 Nov 11: Order Funny English for Christmas. Order here, from anywhere in the world.
9 Sep 11: Funny English author, Troy Simpson, to give Author Talk, 15 Sept 11 (updated: SOLD OUT)
27 April 11: Funny English is the National Library Bookshop's No 1 Bestseller for Autumn 2011! Order your copy while stocks last
8 April 11: Author of Funny English, Troy Simpson, joins fellow author Denise Sutherland in launching the website, English Language Skills.
11 Jan 11: Read the review of Funny English in Teacher: The National Education Magazine here.
11 Jan 11: Sister website, Write Better English, finds new owners. Read press release.
25 Dec 10: Funny English receives glowing review in Teacher: The National Education Magazine (more details soon)
21 Dec 10: A video of the launch of Funny English is now available
16 Dec 10: Troy Simpson and Denise Sutherland to write a book of funny definitions
15 Dec 10: Author of Funny English announces work on new book of funny exam answers
11 Dec 10: Author of Funny English attends book signing at Borders
22 Nov 10: Funny English reaches 60,000 Facebook Fans
21 Nov 10: Funny English is featured on ABC Radio's Tuesday Morning Book Club
19 Nov 10: Funny English moves up into Borders' Top 10 Bestseller List in Humour & Gifts
13 Nov 10: Funny English makes Borders' Top 20 Bestseller List in Humour & Gifts
8 Nov 10: Funny English debuts in the National Library's bestseller list for October at number 3
4 Nov 10: Funny English receives positive review by The Canberra Times. Read the review here.
31 Oct 10: Funny English is available from Borders' Christmas Catalogue under "Hot Gifts for Everyone"
29 Oct 10: Readers' positive feedback floods in. Read news ticker for examples.
29 Oct 10: Funny English is officially launched. Details to follow.
23 Oct 10: Funny English reaches 50,000 Facebook Fans
18 Oct 10: Funny English moves up from 9th to 8th in NewSouthBooks' Top 10 Bestsellers — in all categories
13 Oct 10: Funny English is most "Liked" book in Humour at Borders
8 Oct 10: Funny English moves up NewSouthBooks' Top 10 Bestsellers — in all categories
6 Oct '10: Author of Funny English interviewed by Carol Duncan on ABC radio Newcastle/Sydney
4 Oct '10: Funny English enters Top 5 Bestseller List in Humour for Borders
4 Oct '10: Author of Funny English interviewed by Ross Solly on ABC radio Canberra
2 Oct '10: Funny English enters Top 10 Bestseller List for NewSouthBooks
1 Oct '10: Funny English is top pre-order in Humour for Borders
1 Oct '10: Funny English appears in bookstores