University Correspondent 1933-1935

Here is a selection of howlers — innocent and genuine answers by school children to exam questions and essay questions — published in The University Correspondent from 1933 to 1935. You may have to think carefully about some of these in order to understand the humour!

History

The Bill of Rights said that no man could be thrown into Parliament without trial. This was a great stride forward in the world-famed British Justice.

Captain Cook made three voyages around the world. He was, however, killed during the first of these.

Definitions

Antiquarian: one who does not drink water

Book-keeping: the silent art of not returning books borrowed

Contour: a man that tours round the continent

Myth: a female moth

Octopus: a cat with eight sides

Skyscrapers: the men who study the stars

Tumbler: a small glass bucket or vessel from which beer tumbles down the throat

Science

An essay on trees: Trees are divided according to their height. Trees about 20 feet or more high are trees. Those about 4 or 5 feet tall are called herbs. The small creeping plants with soft stems are called shrubs. When shrubs and herbs grow where they should not they are called weeds.

When sulphur and water are mixed the little partridges come to the top

Density is a thing compared to a block of water of the same dimensions. Specific gravity is the same thing but not exactly like it.

Thermometers are glass tubes used by doctors in detesting fevers

English

An interjection is the first word we use when we are frightened or annoyed. Wicked people often use them un necessary.

A Proper Noun is the name we give to a thing which is ours or which we intend is going to be ours when it is not

Active voice is the voice of a person when he is quarrelling

The plural of fly is flea

Tautology is expressing a thing as it is expressed in a newspaper

Miscellaneous

A Constitutional monarchy is one in which the King never becomes ill

Is it nice to go damsel-picking in Autumn

A Pacifist is a person who has been over the Pacific Ocean

To the left of the speaker sit the opposition, to the right are the Cabinet-makers

Pandora opened the lid of her box and let out the diseases and among these were Faith Hope and Charity

Q. Find one word which expresses: "An ignorant pretender to skill in medicine". A. A doctor.

So as not to get malaria when people go abroad wise people get intoxicated before they leave England's shores

The Royal Mint is what the King puts on his roast lamb

Q. What is a maiden speech? A. A pathetic speech.

Q. Complete the following proverbs:
(a) One swallow doesn't make ... A. a good meal.
(b) Where there's a will there's ... A. a dead man.